A day in my life- haven't done this in a while!!

So, I haven't written about my day in a long time. But, I plan to do this entry a little differetly. I am going to talk about a bunch of random things, situations, and crises as of late. lol!

Okay so some interesting websites!! www.mlia.com This site is kind of like one of my more interestingly favorite sites called FML.com. My life is average is an interesting site and I just laughed. If you are ever feeling down though, I'd suggest the fml.com because there are some crazy stories on that particular site.

So, I recently moved back home for a few months out of necessity. I am hoping I can be back out on my own here soon and I plan to move back to Everett too because I have become so fond of that city. I am and always have been a city girl.. So, living in the country is just not okay with me unless it is temporary. This is such a major adjustment to have to go from being by myself to living with family again. It is frustrating and sometimes feels like I am losing my mind. Of course I will live though!!

I have come to the conclusion, and this is a simple one I should have known by now, that I can't make someone love me. I can't make some stay with me or care about me and want to spend their life with me. It's his loss not mine if he can't handle the love and companionship of an awesome woman!! I pride myself on being a compassionately, full of love, take charge, type of person. I am glad that I have had the experiences I have had. As hard as they have been on me emotionally, I have learned so much from them at the same time.

I don't like to talk about all my medical problems because people generally start to think that I am complaining which is not always the case. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder AKA Manic Depressive. I also suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am not ashamed over things I can't change and I want to speak out against the need for others to make people with mental illness feel that they are freaks or that they are weak because of something that is out of their control. Right now I don't have my medication which I desperately need in order to function. I wouldn't wish not having meds on anyone! It's so hard to cope and to get through the day when you are having flashbacks and constant panic attacks. No fun!

I am strong! I can deal with a lot and I have in my lifetime. For those of you that know me more personally, you know what I am referring to. It's hard but I am strong and will continue to get through it by the grace of God and by sheer will!

I just want people to be aware that just because you suffer from a disorder, it doesn't make you less of a person. It simply means that you have more to deal with! It's my humble prayer that other people start to empathize and be more compassionate and Christlike.

Remember to love one another as He has loved you! This is an important concept to learn. Hope everyone recognizes their blessings along with their trials!!

Happy WEEKEND all!












~Michelle~

My life is in shambles...

There is nothing I can do to change it! It is at times like these that I really rely on the Lord for his guidance because I feel completely alone in my struggles. People in my life are making it harder for me to cope. Because I don't have my medication that is another story all together. I feel completely out of control as if one more snide remark with cause me to lose it completely. I don't understand people that feel the need to point out other people's weaknesses as if to throw it in their face! "Judge not for ye shall be judged"... It seems to me that I believe this even more today then I have ever in the past. Love thy enemies. I do love mine! Even though they willfully despise me and go against me in every manner. I feel as if I am constantly forgiving and yet not being forgiven at the same time. It's a hard pill to swallow and I feel completely devastated.

On a lighter note, I have many friends and family that are my rock, that are constantly there for me and ask for anything in return. It is people like this that really make me grateful and appreciate everything that I have in this life. I know that God closes doors but opens windows. I just hope that he will be opening some more for me soon! It feels like I am drowning in a sea of abyss I call my problems and that there is no end in sight.

Grateful for the blessings in my life. Namely friends that know I am without and are coming to me tomorrow to bring me food or money for food. This surprises me everyday the willingness to support fellow man in their efforts to survive. I am actually tearing up as I write this today because I feel utterly blessed by my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He knows what we stand in need of and puts people in our lives to help us through our struggles. He does this so long as we trust in Him.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (My favorite scripture mastery) states "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart. Lean not into thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths."

How true is that people? How true is it that if we put all our trust in to our Lord that he will watch over us in our times of need?!? I may not know much, but, I do know this to be true!

I hope everyone can and will be as grateful as I am and feel in their daily lives with their many blessings..

Thanks for reading!






~Michelle~

Does love really conquer all?

I have been pondering this question for many years. I can't seem to get a definitely answer. I look at my parents and their marriage and I see hope. They have been married for almost 31 years. I don't understand how a couple could still love each other after that long but I am grateful that they do. It gives me hope that one day, if I am lucky and God willing, that I will walk down the aisle and be with the man of my dreams. He is a great man and I care about him so much... He is a good father, friend, person and he cares about everyone. I aspire to be so great!

We had a fight today and it was over something stupid. A miscommunication really!! But, him not talking to me all night, not being close to him or feeling his touch on my hand... Really made me start to think about my life and how much I need him in it. It is crazy to think that I can need someone so bad. That I could want to have a companion so much.. I have always relied on myself and maybe that has gotten me into some trouble throughout my life. I just am so hell bent on proving that I don't need help, that I can do things myself and that I am self-reliant. It isn't working for me like I planned. This blog is for him, so he knows how special he is and how much I care about him. I came alive when we got together... I began to open up and want to be a better person. Not just for him but for myself. I can't say that it is easy, because it isn't.. But, it is definitely worth it and I hope he realizes that everyday. That he has my heart and doesn't even have to try..

To all of you out there that are feeling the relationship blues... Hang tough! Be strong and work things out! I know it isn't easy but it is worth it.. Si se puede comes to mind.. It means Yes, you can! And we all can with a little initiative and help from the good Lord.

I hope all of my readers are in good health and enjoying this Valentine's week. I know I will be.

Love to all,




~Michelle~

Some new things in life

1.I have a new appreciation for the show called "Weeds"... I find it hilarious. Even though I do not agree with smoking or selling pot.

2.Let's see.. I just had my twenty ninth birthday and I feel so completely lost in some ways and completely sound in others. School is going and work is never ending and I still feel the need to be more productive, to have more goals. I do not know why I overload myself with work or goals. It is almost as if I want to set myself up for failure sometimes.

But, I keep pushing and pushing. I am relentless like that.


Some scary news is that I am going in for a consult because my doctor thinks that I need surgery on my sinuses. I have chronic sinus infections and the antibiotics are not working. Right now I am on steroids and they are making me so sick but I have to take them until I can get the surgery.

Life has a way of crumbling all at once. It is my faith that is holding me strong. It is the pure love of Christ that is helping through my tough times.






~Michelle~

Update and of course, HAPPY 4th!

The past few months have been crazy busy. With finishing my internship at Everett Housing Authority and being introduced to the multicultural backgrounds at the community centers; it has been a major blessing in my life. I just reread my post about trials from back in April and once again I feel so dumb for missing it yet again! But, sometimes lessons have to be learned more than once to get it through our heads!

I have been nicotine free for three months or so. I can't remember the exact date and it is so late and I am sleepy. But, the fire crackers are going off so my anxiety is high right now, so that could be the culprit as well.

I had many bumps in the road financially with getting sick and quitting smoking so getting my bachelor's is taking longer than expected. But, I am not giving UP! I find it ironic how much the adversary hits us when we are so down already. There is so much truth to this because it has always been hard for me to deal with change, since life is fast changing this in itself is lame. But, I also know that no matter how much he comes towards me that with the help of Heavenly Father, I can continue on. Having faith, losing faith due to constant adversity and regaining faith and pushing forward are all things that I have been through non-stop for the past ten years or so. I am not going to say that there has not been happy times, but, when there is such much going on that is beyond one's control, it is really hard not to give in and lose faith that things are going to be better.

With all this being said, I do want to say that with everything I have gone through, everything that I am going through, and what I will have to face in the future, the one constant thing in my life is the power of prayer. Now, I am in no way going to force my beliefs, values, or cultural, religious or political views on anyone. This is something that can be universal for everyone. Or NOT. I am a believer! And I ask you; when faced with burdens, trials and tribulations; "did you think to pray?"

Those of you reading that are close to me and know of every situation I am facing right now, can either relate or empathize and I thank you even if we do not talk on a regular basis, you guys are my rock!

I urge everyone to take a minute, regardless of personal values, your certain belief, religion, culture; what have you and think for a minute about considering to thank our God/Heavenly Father or Allah, or what have you and say thank you and please help me to help myself in order to get through the day. Bless those around me to have the things they stand in need of, help the sick, the poor, the afflicted, and or what can I do to help others that are less fortunate than I? The blessings are enormous.

My love to all my readers!


~Michelle~

Tired and Annoyed....

I have come to the utter realization that some areas in my life, I do way more than I should and in others I am too lax. I am so tired of feeling exhausted and not having enough time to get things done. There needs to be 30 hrs in a day, I have decided. Actually Jamie and I decided because there is never enough time to complete everything.

I probably still wouldn't get enough sleep. Sleep deprivation is something that I have suffered from for a while. I am about to cry because it has been days since I have even had six hours of sleep. This puts me in such a crappy mood. Anyways, I am almost done with my Finance class, that make me happy. One more week to go and freedom from FINANCE.

LOL!

Well, I am about to attempt to lay down and get some shut eye. Hope everyone is doing wonderful and sleeping well! If not, I feel your pain. All of you are in my prayers.

Peace,
Michelle

Perspective

Dad always says that we need to step back and look for perspective. This is always true especially when we are faced with a great deal of adversity. This past week has been tough one for me. Things have been really hard for me to deal with emotionally, at this very moment it is because of things that are going on with my medications not being readily available as they should be. I am made to take less than I should be only to make them last longer. Most of you know that I am a manic depressive, or the more proper terminology today is Bipolar. I don't like to be defined as BIPOLAR. It isn't something that I am, it is something that I suffer from. Anyways, back on point here. You will find me going off on tangents frequently since this is my place to get my thoughts out and work out the inner dealings of my somewhat messed up mind. On Wednesday night/Thursday morning I had the misfortune of having someone vandalizing my vehicle. Someone smashing the hell out of my windshield. But, I just checked my home voice mail. Which I rarely check, I might add, and remember that word---- PERSPECTIVE??? Well, blessing is what I like to say now because Heavenly Father was on my side, the guy called and left me a message saying he would fix my windshield for $180.00 and that if anyone could beat that price to let him know and he would beat it! Plus 12 months insurance that if it gets a rock chip, it will be replaced. That has put so much into perspective, it is amazing. I am really happy to report that this one thing in my life has made me believe in the power of prayer. I have to admit that I am not a frequent person that prays. But, I try to remember and when I do pray I make it mean something and when this happened I asked Heaven Father to please let it be someone else's turn to learn a lesson, that I have learned enough lessons lately.

Perspective is not only in the eye of the beholder but it is in our actions and reactions. I would like to emphasize the word- REACTIONS. If we would reflect on how we react to situations or especially situations beyond our control, we would realize that there is only so much we can do and it is only as bad or as good as we make it!

Thanks Dad,

ME